Family life gets busy. At times it can be so hectic, you haven’t had a chance to have deep conversations or memorable moments with your children, especially when you have more than one child in the home. So how do you ensure you’re consistently connecting with each child to provide affirmation and affection while also meeting their unique needs and love languages? By intentionally doting on your child with a ‘Dote Night’.

Each of my four children look forward to their designated Dote Night once a week. After the other kids have been tucked in, one child gets to stay up late. They love to remind me with a light in their eyes, “Tonight’s my Dote Night!” They choose a special snack, lower the lights and we snuggle on the couch. We’ll watch an age appropriate, wholesome TV show, play a game or read a devotional together. After 20-30 minutes, I ask if there’s anything they’d like to talk to me about. My focus is completely on them. Without other kids around and zero distractions, they feel safe opening up. I ensure they feel heard and valued.

Sometimes our talks are silly and fun with much laughter. Sometimes our talks are deep and heartfelt. Other times, it’s a mix of both. At the end of our discussion, I ask what they would like prayer for. I hold their hand while praying for their requests, then I pray a heart-felt blessing over them. I also express my gratitude to God for the positive things I see in them — their kindness, helpfulness, patience, etc. I thank God out loud for entrusting me to raise such an amazing, wonderful child, then we hug goodnight.

After making that heart-to-heart connection with them, I adore seeing the expression on their face, knowing that their love tank has just been filled up — filled up and overflowing.

Tips for a great Dote Night:

• Speak positively to your child – this is not the time to point out that they forgot to take out the garbage.
• Plan in advance a selection of wholesome, age appropriate TV shows or games for them to choose from. We’ve enjoyed watching episodes of the Andy Griffith Show, as there is often a moral or lesson that can be discussed afterwards. One of our favorite two-person games is Mancala.
• Purchase or make special snacks to keep ready for Dote Night. We have certain treats that are reserved only for this time, and the kids all know they aren’t allowed to pull anything from the Dote Night shelf unless it’s their special night.  My kids like having choices, so I keep a variety of snacks to choose from like popcorn, dried fruit, pub mix, frozen treats, packets of hot chocolate, homemade cookies, trail mix, etc.  I don’t offer anything with caffeine.  And while I prefer to avoid sugar, especially just before bedtime, I’ll make an exception once in a while.
• Create a comfortable space. Get blankets and pillows — anything to provide comfort and coziness.
• Touch is vital. Sit shoulder-to-shoulder, rub their back, hold their hand (granted, teens may not always be comfortable with this but the younger ones will be more open).
• Togetherness. Spend 20-30 minutes watching the show, playing a game or reading a devotional together, while eating snacks.
• Be open to good conversations. After the 20-30 minutes is over, this is where the conversation begins. For older teens, discuss the choices (good or bad) the characters in the show made. Ask your child their opinion and why they feel that way (again, this is not a time to correct them and is a great way to learn about their thinking habits). This can easily morph into discussions about their own friends, school, etc.  For younger kids, ask them about their favorite part of the day, etc. Be open to any type of discussion.
• Listen. Focus on what they are saying. Make eye contact. When they realize it’s safe to share and you are really listening, they will open up more.
• Affirm your child. Through your discussion, find ways to affirm your child using positive words such as, “You are such a good friend.”,  “That was a very mature way to handle that situation, I’m proud of you.”, and  “That must have been tough, but I like that you kept such a positive attitude during the entire day.”  Speak out the things you love about them – their physical characteristics, social skills, emotional maturity. Say it with a soft and caring voice. Ensure your face is expressing ‘looks of love’. They will remember these words for the rest of their lives.
• Pray. Tell them you’d like to pray over them. Pray about any problems, issues or concerns they shared. They’ll know you were listening earlier. Then ask if there is anything else they would like prayer for (this may stir up more conversations). Follow up on earlier pray requests to see if anything has been resolved or still needs prayer (keep a notebook if needed).
• Wrap it up. After the prayer, clean up, then give your child a warm bear hug goodnight and tell them again that you love them.

With older kids, go deeper with questions:

• Ask them if they have any needs that aren’t being met (e.g. clothes, food, needing more time with you.) I found out once that my son was very irritated over the lack of shorts in his drawer – I wasn’t even aware he needed more because the drawer was so full. It turned out that most of the shorts didn’t fit him right.
• Ask them if there is anything at home that is frustrating them and if it’s something you can help with. Or is there anything you are doing as a parent that you could be doing better? Careful with this one – be sure you’re open to criticism and willing to hear their honest opinion without getting defensive. I don’t ask this question when I feel stretched too thin or not in the best mood.
• It’s a great time to follow-up on last week’s discussions and prayer requests (you may want to keep a journal to jot things down later, then you can refer back to it just before their designated Dote Night).

While temporarily caring for a foster child, I was providing Dote Nights five nights a week.  Then when an at-risk teen also moved in, who wanted a Dote Night as well, I realized as a single working mom I needed to carve out a night to dote on myself to ensure my own needs were being met (such as a hot bath, extended prayer/worship, etc.) Fortunately, my daughters are old enough to watch the younger boys, which allowed me this treasured quiet time.

In the end, it may not always feel like you’ve connected well with your child, or perhaps the warm fuzzies aren’t there — but being consistent is important. You are providing connection, building emotional trust, increasing their inner growth, and sustaining their mental health. When something happens in their lives, they know they can count on Dote Night to be a time they have your undivided attention to talk if there haven’t been any natural opportunities. It is so worth the time, effort and investment. We love our Dote Nights of expressing excessive love and fondness, and we hope you enjoy your Dote Nights too!